When choosing a solicitor for your divorce I have a few tips. First off, as someone famously suggested to me, you should fight evil with evil. In other words, choose a female solicitor. If you’re dealing with a female judge and you’re teamed up with a male solicitor you’re done for. If you have woman, she’ll know how the other side thinks. She’ll have valuable insight into the mind of the demon itself.

Secondly, if you choose a really attractive female solicitor it’ll really annoy your soon to be ex-wife.

Now, while choosing a female solicitor maybe fun, and may annoy your ex-wife AND will score you bonus points with a female judge… remember she is still a woman, therefore evil. She’ll screw you over financially just as much as your ex-wife will, so wherever possible, and for the first few exchanges at least, operate without a solicitor.

I know, the old adage about he who represents himself has a fool for a client and all that rings true, but seriously, you’ll save a lot of money. Every letter you get sent to you costs. Every letter your solicitor sends to your ex-wife’s solicitor costs. Every phone call, every email, every time she even thinks about your case; that’s “prep work”. If your ex-wife is unreasonable and won’t agree to anything just to piss you off (and let’s face it, if she’s female she won’t) then you’ll find your solicitor going back and forth for months, maybe running into years before anything is resolved.

We’re talking thousands of pounds here.

I cottoned on to this late and eventually wound up finalising my settlement myself. It proved much quicker and more cost effective, though this wasn’t until I’d already forked out a ransom for my solicitor’s inability to act on my behalf. She did look smoking hot though!

Next time I’ll give you advice on negotiating with her solicitor, that’s the fun part.

Clive Bellmore