Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Sometimes it’s good to let your soon to be ex know that you’re divorcing them in the most humorous, public way possible. What could be funnier that announcing it with a billboard?

To be honest, doing this probably didn’t do her any favours in court, but I bet it sure felt good at the time.

Personally, if she has a tape of his indiscretions, it might have been funnier to upload that to YouTube or some such website to humiliate him further. I’m surprised that doesn’t happen more often in fact… come to think of it, that gives me an idea…

I wonder if there are enough angry, jilted spouses out there?

Clive Bellmore

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Hale & Pace were one of the best British comedy acts of recent years, and were famous for their song routines. They have a certain Northern twang to their humour, which often features beer and whippets. This sketch about a divorced man hits the mark firmly, particularly when he’s having to potter around in the bedroom while his wife gets serviced by another man.

Notice how his kids leg it when he turns up as well? Classic Hale & Pace.

Ignore the French subtitles, I didn’t realise Gareth and Norman had made it to France.

Clive Bellmore

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A rich businessman in Neath, South Wales, was so bitter towards his wife that rather than divorce her, he ran up a series of debts, cancelled his life insurance and then killed himself.

That’ll show her mate!

Fifty-Four year old Gerald Mellin tied a noose around his neck and attached it to a tree, before jumping off his convertible Aston Martin DB7, decapitating himself. Not a pleasant way to go. The day before he killed himself he’d cancelled his life insurance policy.

His estranged wife, and mother of their two children, Mirrielle Mellin, stated at the inquest:

We had split up and been to court.

He ran up an extortionate amount of debt. I’ve got to sell the farmhouse now, just to pay the debts.

The policy that Gerald Mellin cancelled would have paid out to his wife, but now instead of leaving her with money he’s left her with debt.

It’s a bit extreme in order to avoid a divorce, but effective nonetheless.

Clive Bellmore

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It might not be common knowledge, but the UK is the most wife friendly country in Europe in which to get divorced. In other words, if you’re a woman wanting to get divorced in the UK, you’ll get a better deal than your counterparts across Europe.

In the UK, women with children can claim more than half of their husband’s assets in a divorce, anything as high as 65% of the net worth. If this doesn’t seem fair, it’s because it’s not (as perfectly illustrated with this cartoon image). There’s also very little a man can do to protect himself as prenuptial agreements aren’t recognised by UK courts.

The best advice would be not to get married at all, but then that doesn’t always save you either. Simply living with a woman can be classed as a common law wife and she can then strip you of all of your possessions.

It’s probably best to stay away altogether

Clive Bellmore

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Divorce isn’t always something you can laugh at, at least not at the time. Sometimes you can laugh later though, years later in most cases. Therefore it’s always nice to have the odd chuckle at the expense of a divorce, and recently the subject of most people’s chuckling has been celebrity divorces such as Paul McCartney and Heather ‘hopalong’ Mills.

You had to laugh at that one otherwise you’d just want to run her down in your car, then she’d probably sue you anyway, so laugh on.

This cartoon depicts the archetypal messy divorce between two clowns. At least they keep smiling though

Clive Bellmore

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The Americans have a way of advertising divorce lawyers don’t they? This billboard from the USA shows the benefits of getting divorced in a more carnal nature… you can go out and get better sex!

Obviously it doesn’t always work out this way; getting divorced doesn’t mean you’ll find loads of gorgeous women just queueing up for you, but at least you’ll be free to try your hand at it.

Of course, if you fail miserably, ‘your hand’ maybe exactly what you end up trying at it!

Clive Bellmore

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There are some stories that you say ‘you just couldn’t make it up’, and this definitely fits into that category. A Russian man, embarrassingly named as Grigory Toporov, a 47 year old man, is facing divorce from his wife after his penis extension broke off during a wild sex session with his wife.

Ouch.

He had the extension after his wanton wife told him he didn’t ‘measure up’ to her expectations. However when he had the extension done, it snapped off during sex.

Toporov explained:

I told her I would get a new one but she wasn’t having any of it. She said she was fed up with my failures in bed and wants a divorce.

Now I’m wondering did the extension snap off inside her, or did it fall off and get lost somewhere in the bed? If it did ‘come off’ inside her, did he then have to try and retrieve it?

There’s probably a genre in adult films there somewhere.

Clive Bellmore

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Wondering how to get rid of your wife? This chap had the right idea, offload her on eBay and sell her as though she were a second hand car. According to the messages left she has a high running cost and he doesn’t recommend some guy swaps his second hand car for her.

I’d have put mine on eBay but the postage costs would have been huge, plus the mileage was too high to get a decent price.

I hope he managed to sell her in the end. I wonder what his returns policy was if she didn’t arrive exactly as described?

Clive Bellmore

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An American man from Jefferson County was stabbed in the back with a kitchen knife when he told his wife he wanted a divorce. He said their sex life was non existent, and when she flew off the handle he accused her of turning into her mother.

She then attacked him with a kitchen knife, plunging it deep into his back. In what must have looked like a scene from Stephen King’s Misery, she then pulled all of the phones out so he couldn’t call for help, and took his mobile from him.

Guess he was right to want a divorce then?

Michael Bautista gave evidence in court against his wife yesterday, who broke down in tears at what her husband had to say.

As a result of her attack, he had lost 20% of his blood when help finally arrived.

Her reaction was like a fuse that had been lit.

I knew she was trying to get me angry. I tried to stay very calm. She kept saying she was going to destroy me professionally and financially. She said I would be sorry. I was amazed.

If you’re planning on telling your wife you want a divorce, make sure there are no sharp objects laying around and that someone knows where you are!

Clive Bellmore

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As opposed to the image I found yesterday, this one I didn’t find quite so amusing. I thought I’d post it anyway, in the sense of fairness.

I really don’t think women need any encouragement to take guys for all they’re worth when they get divorced, but this serves to offering the encouragement anyway.

Equality is one thing, but the UK is currently the most woman friendly country in Europe when it comes to divorce. If a woman wants to divorce her husband, she’s better off doing it here than anywhere else in Europe, she’ll get more cash for her time.

Clive Bellmore

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