Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

All of this talk about high profile celebrity divorces and people paying millions in divorce settlements may be entertaining for viewers, and harrowing for those involved, they never quite reach the level of the running joke of Ross Geller in Friends.

Ross was married three times during the ten year run of Friends. His first wife, Carol, became a lesbian. His second wife, Emily, divorced him because he said Rachel’s name at the altar (easy mistake) and his third wife, Rachel, divorced him because they were married while drunk in Vegas.

This prompted Phoebe to label Ross ‘Divorce-o’ after he proclaimed that he loved marriage, to which Ross retorted:

If you have to call me a name, I prefer, “Ross, The Divorcer.” It’s just cooler.

I think other celebs should take on names such as this!

Clive Bellmore

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Despite the credit crunch meaning high street retailers have had one of the worst Christmases for years, the sales have still seen people flocking to them in their thousands, buying all manner of crap that they really don’t need.

Next for example was wiped out by hungry bargain hunters in the first few hours of the 27th, so much so that most of the sale items had gone before 8am. Not all sales are because of retailers trying to recoup the money they didn’t make before Christmas though, some are for other, more desperate reasons.

This comical sale image for example shows a sale that was inspired by a divorce, and the need to make some money back for the poor guy who lost practically everything in his split from his wife.

Poor chap!

Clive Bellmore

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Following on from the post yesterday about divorce cakes, it seems that divorce cakes are very common. They’re probably aimed at women more than men (as the design of all the cakes I’ve seen seem to be) as women have that tendency to go for something sweet when they’re getting over a split.

This brings up the question that as more than half of all marriages end in divorce, and the wedding industry is worth billions of pounds every year, could a new divorce industry spring up to take advantage of the new trend?

Divorce cakes could be just the beginning. How about divorce photographers? You could get a professional photographer to take pictures of the bitter couple, their warring families and the happy (and richer) divorce lawyers. You could even have limo hire companies offering cars to take you (separately of course) to the venue to get the divorce annulled.

The possibilities are endless, and very expensive.

Clive Bellmore

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We have wedding cake when we get married, why not one when we get divorced? It seems only fair, and makes sense. Perhaps it would stop all those serial marriage chasers who get married just because they love the taste of wedding cake.

This picture shows the perfect divorce cake, though to be honest you’d be able to get all of your family, all of her family and the friends you’ll soon have to split up and divide to see who keeps who, together in one room to be able to eat it.

With most divorces, families don’t tend to stay to civil to each other long enough for that sort of thing and it would most likely evolve into a food fight between everyone.

Wouldn’t necessarily be a bad idea though. At least you could show the ex-mother-in-law exactly what you think of her!

Clive Bellmore

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As if the police don’t have enough to do in this world with all the crime, murder and corruption. Now they’re arresting people for killing video game characters!

A Japanese woman who had such a sad existence that she was ‘married’ in a video game to another character (sorry, her character was married, but I’m sure she didn’t see a difference) found one day that her virtual husband had left her character. The game was ‘Maple Story’, a popular Japanese role playing video game, and her character’s husband, another sad guy’s character, was controlled by a 33-year-old office worker. When his character divorced her character, she hacked into the game (by hacked, they probably mean guessed his piss obvious password) and deleted his character.

He then reported the ‘death’ of his year old character to police, who rather than call him an utter timewaster and arrest him, investigated the virtual killing. The woman was arrested for ‘murder’ and faces a possible jail term of up to five years!

The woman, a piano teacher, stated:

I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.

The game has over 50 million players in Japan and allows people to buy items through the virtual shop.
Police said after the arrest:

The case surfaced after a 33-year-old office worker in Sapporo, northern Japan, complained to police about the loss of his avatar, which he had “raised” for more than a year.

The woman was charged with illegal access onto a computer and manipulating electronic data.

What a total waste of police time!

Clive Bellmore

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If ever there was a great reason to get divorced, clearing space in the bathroom is as good as any. Women, particularly wives, have a nasty habit of taking up loads of space on the sink and in the bathroom cabinet. Little bottles of perfume, face-packs, bath salts, anti ageing cream, wax and various other bottles and cartons of junk are liberally sprinkled around the room.

Surely all you need is bogroll, toothpaste and a shaver? You can’t possibly need anything else!

Seriously though, it’s incredible how bare a bathroom can look after divorce, and I don’t mean that in a depressing, self destructive sort of way. I genuinely mean how nice it is that you can get in the shower and use it without first having to carefully relocate countless amounts of crap and to pull down the bra and tights set that are always hanging from the shower rail.

Of course the lack of waiting for the bathroom is also an important factor, as is the lack of nagging that is usually associated with a fair amount of water sprinkled on the bathroom floor after using the shower. Does it really harm anyone? I don’t think so.

And towels are supposed to be hung on the floor!

Clive Bellmore

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Is divorce good for your health? This joke would suggest so, though to be honest I’m not so sure myself.

Getting divorced isn’t a good way to lose weight, as divorce often leads to depression, which leads to eating. Eating of course leads to weight gain. In fact divorce seems to have varying effects on people, as some spiral into a depressed routine of eating, watching Bridget Jones and generally feeling sorry for themselves, whereas others go the opposite way and try to get into shape in order to prove to their ex what they’re missing, and to find themselves a new partner.

Personally I went down the fitness route and hit the gym, but then marriage had taken its toll. The endless nights of takeaways and chips took a while to burn off, but it was worth it in the end.

Clive Bellmore

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We all know that Pop stars are stupid; they prove it almost every day. Pink is no exception. After her divorce from Carey Grant (surely he died years ago?) she’s proven just what an imbecile she is and turned to Scientology. This act of gross moronism is in some misguided effort to help her get over her divorce.

The couple’s two year marriage came to an end earlier this year, and after getting divorced the brainless woman turned to her down to earth friend Juliette Lewis for some consoling. Juliette, rather than doing what most women do to help a friend after divorce by taking her out, getting her smashed and watching some Bridget Jones, took her to meet her idiotic Scientologist mates.

They’re not the only idiots to follow the new religion invented invented by a failed science fiction author, other imbeciles include Lisa Marie Presley, Kirstie Alley and the perennial career wrecker with poor movie choices, John Travolta.

Actor and resident divorcee cum short guy, Tom Cruise, is said to be the second most powerful man in Scientology at the moment. Does that make him the most gullible, or is he in on the whole hoax?

You decide.

Clive Bellmore

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When you get divorced you usually end up dividing things equally, straight down the middle. This applies to the house, the furniture, the money, the car… but oddly not the children? The wife usually gets them. Wonder why that is?

Anyhow, back to splitting things equally, divorce usually ends up in splitting things right down the middle, as this poor chap has had to do with his car.

I personally wish I’d thought of this, I could have split everything down the middle, though I’m not sure it would have worked with the house… would have been fun trying though

It’s drastic, but effective!

Clive Bellmore

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When you’re getting divorced you’ll invariably need a divorce lawyer. Luckily enough I found this picture on the Internet.

Now, is this a clever piece of advertising from a divorce lawyer looking to drum up business from women who are angry at their cheating husbands, or is this a vandalised car from a spurned wife after the aforementioned cheating husband did what cheating husbands do?

Whatever it is, it catches the eye. Though, I don’t think anyone would be able to do the school run in it!

Also, if it is an advert for a divorce lawyer, would you really want to hire a lawyer who drives a yellow Corsa? Clearly they’re not very good to only be able to afford an old hatchback.

Clive Bellmore

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