Archive for the ‘Children’ Category

It may seem like a stupid thing to have an argument over, but when a marriage isn’t working out you’ll find you’re able to pretty much disagree about anything, and garden ponds certainly come under the category of ‘anything’.

The problem was that our house had a pond in the garden, one which was protected by a fence, albeit a small fence, but a fence nonetheless. As my wife at the time decided the pond was dangerous, she wanted to place netting over it to stop the children falling in. However, the netting she placed over the pond, against my advice and knowledge at the time, was some loose netting she’d picked up in Asda. It wasn’t suitable to keep a cat out of the pond or support the weight of a small bird, let alone protect a child from falling in.

Still she insisted that it was safer, until I pointed out how it gives way under the slightest weight, and once someone has fallen through it, all the netting does is to trap them in the water so that they can’t get out.

Now I’m not saying that having some form of mesh on your garden pond isn’t a good idea, but when you do decide to use it, make sure that it’s fit for the purpose. A visual example to your now ex-wife of what would happen should a child fall through the netting isn’t the best way to get your point across.

Clive Bellmore

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Children can have a huge impact on your divorce settlement in terms of how much you would have to pay out, or how much you would receive if you’re the mother.

Typically assets in a divorce are split 50/50 between the husband and the wife, including the matrimonial home, and also assets that you owned before you were married. This seems harsh, especially when you consider that presents you may have received when you were 17 can be claimed by your ex.

However, when there are children involved things get much worse as the parent with care can claim up to 65% of the assets because of the children. This figure is of course negotiable, but a court could well decide in favour of the parent to be caring for the children.

So, if you look like you might be heading for divorce, and you have children, consider the implications of how much it could cost.

Clive Bellmore

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The Department of Health conducted a poll to discover what causes distress to teenaged children in their lives, and one of the main worries among children was the possibility of their parents divorcing. Actually, 17% were concerned about the breakup of their parents, which does seem quite low, considering the number of marriages that end in divorce. Unless of course many of those who took part in the poll were either already from broken homes, or they just weren’t concerned about the prospect.

Another worry for teenage children is their parent’s health, and the fact that they can’t quit smoking. 46% of children are worried about the health of their parents who smoke.

37% of those polled were concerned about financial matters, with the country being in recession and job prospects being bleak, and 29% were worried about the old school problem of bullying.

Clive Bellmore

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Divorce can be a difficult time for everyone, with tensions running high, arguments causing stress and accusations flying around all over the place. Both partners can get very emotional during a stressful divorce, but the problems don’t just affect those directly involved. Divorce also affects your parents and immediate family, your friends (who end up getting drawn into taking sides) and of course your children.

Even pets can get caught up in the distress of a painful divorce, with partners arguing over custody of the family dog or (to a lesser extent) cat.

It’s the children who really suffer though as they don’t know why their parents are breaking up. They don’t understand the reasons for the arguments, the hatred; especially when there was love there before.

Try to remember the good times of being a family, especially the parts that involved the children, such as their birthdays, Christmases, the time when they were born, or even before they were born when you excited about having children for the first time, such as the baby shower.

Those were happier times, and the sorts of times that children should be exposed to, rather than the distress of their parents getting divorced.

Clive Bellmore

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This time of year divorce rates at their all time highest, with the fallout from Christmas hitting families hard. The stress and torment of unhappy times over the Christmas break usually result in a high number of divorces, with children often being the biggest casualties. Children don’t understand why their parents are arguing and splitting up, and often blame themselves for the problems at home.

If this affects you, you should reassure your children in the following ways.

• Tell your children that both you and your partner love them. They need to know that they are loved by both parents
• Listen to what your children have to say and comfort them when they need it
• Make it clear to your children that the divorce isn’t their fault
• Be honest with your children, they’ll appreciate you treating them like adults and taking their feelings into consideration. If you try to hide things from them, they’ll feel hurt
• Wherever possible try to avoid any disruption in their daily routine so they know that the divorce won’t impact them too much
• Stay civil with your partner and share responsibilities for your children, including care and picking them up from school

Clive Bellmore

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When you get divorced (as most of us who get married eventually do) it’s important to try to stay as civil as possible so that you stay in regular contact with your kids. Just because your relationship has broken down, it doesn’t mean that your relationship with your children should also break down. For example, if it’s possible, you should try to keep a sense of normality to their lives and routine by taking them school, picking them up and attending any event that they may want you to, such as parties and sports days.

Children need both parents to give them a sense of balance, and depriving them of that balance isn’t good for their development. Of course, it can be difficult attending children’s events with your ex-partner or her parents, but try to remember how happy you were at events while you were together, such as your child’s first birthday party or the baby shower, and hold onto that feeling while you’re there.

Remember that your children need you as much as you need them, and don’t let any personal feelings or disputes get in the way of your being there for them.

It can be difficult, but you’ll need to do it for the sake of your children, and for your own sake in the long run.

Clive Bellmore

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Divorce involving children is always very difficult, especially when they’re quite young. They don’t understand why their parents no longer want to love together and can sometimes blame themselves for the break-up. It’s important to make it clear to your children that they’re not responsible for any relationship breakdown and that both parents still love them.

Equally, supporting your children financially is important too. If the parent with care (PWC), usually the mother, is receiving benefits then the C.S.A. will get involved and demand money from the non resident parent (NRP). However don’t think that all of this money will go towards the children, because it won’t. The job of the C.S.A. isn’t to ensure that money gets to your children, it’s to collect debts on behalf of the government to make up for the benefit they’re paying the mother. Much of that money goes to the government, not your children or their mother.

Therefore you should need to ensure that your children are supported financially, as bringing up children can be very expensive. When they’re of a school age it can be even tougher as their school accessories and uniforms can run into hundreds of pounds per school year. For example, many schools insist on having branded personalised clothes with their school’s name on them, making them more expensive that regular clothes of the same type and colour.

This means a jumper that should cost £5 normally can cost several times that amount. With the C.S.A. keeping most of the money they take from you, you should help out with these costs if at all possible.

Clive Bellmore

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I was talking to an old university mate the other night who’s having financial problems as a result of his ex, their spending and his access to his child. He’s living in Ireland, where his ex is from, just to be near his child, so doesn’t seem to have the problems we face in this country with the CSA, but he is having to pay huge sums of money through the family court.

His biggest problem is that he’s been asked to pay towards a loan that he and his ex took out together, despite everything that was bought with it remaining in her house, so he has none of the benefits of the loan. This means he’s paying maintenance for his child, and a loan on top of that.

The big difference between him and me though, and indeed him and most men, is that he’s having regular contact with his children, whereas I’m not.

I pointed this out to him, as it really should be the most important thing in his life. He’s seeing his daughter, no matter how much he’s having to pay as a result.

Clive Bellmore

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When you’re separated from your partner and they have the children it’s important to keep involved with their lives, both in terms of being there and financially. Obviously, if your partner is in receipt of benefits the C.S.A., or Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission as they’re now known, will get involved and will be trying to take money from you anyway. The money they take doesn’t all go to your kids though, so if you can afford to pay them any money direct or help out with costs, you should try to do so.

For example, birthday parties can be expensive and you could shoulder some of the expense there, whether it’s paying to hire out a hall, hire a disco or even pay for the smaller things such as the balloons or the childrens party bags.

Actually being there is important as well, rather than just footing the bill, because your kids want to see that you’re still involved, and that any problems between you and their mother doesn’t necessarily effect their life.

Remember, that when it comes to your children’s birthdays it’s their day and they want to know that their parents love them and want to be with them.

Clive Bellmore

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When you’re getting divorced it can be very stressful. It’s always far worse when there are children involved too, as they’re often convinced that they’re the reason for the split. When you’re having to deal with teenage children however it can be even worse as they’re at an age where they understand part of the reasons for the divorce, but are not mature enough to deal with it.

There are some things you can do to help teenagers cope with a divorce.

Firstly, you should convince the teenager that the divorce isn’t their fault and the split has nothing to do with them. They’ll probably already blame themselves so you should stop them doing this as early as you can.

Be open about the divorce and talk to the teenager like an adult about how the split will affect them.

Always be positive about the other parents, as they are loved by the child as much as you. You shouldn’t openly disparage them in front of the teenager.

Ensure that you’re still willing to support the teenager financially, and that the other parent will as well. Education is important, and shouldn’t suffer as a result of a divorce.

Be involved with their life in order to make sure they understand that they haven’t been abandoned by either parent.

Don’t argue with your former partner in front of the teenager, it isn’t helpful.

If you follow these tips you’ll ensure that your teenage child will be better prepared to cope with the divorce.

Clive Bellmore

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